I’m contemplating some big decisions in my life right now. Life-changing, future-changing decisions. I told my mom that I rotate from being pumped and excited and determined to wanting to curl up into the fetal position and cry, “I’m scared, Mommie!!”
I often have a hard time sleeping when I have so much on my mind, but last night, I drifted off immediately. Only to be awoken by the sound of a passing siren in the wee hours.
As I lay there in the silence that followed, I thought about all the decisions that I’ve made in my life that scared me – that were risky. I couldn’t recall a single time when I’d let fear win out. And not a SINGLE one of those decisions ended up being a regret. In fact, I’ve never wished I HADN’T stepped out into the unknown. There has always been something good, something powerful, something beneficial on the other side.
You’d think having had that kind of faith experience, no such new decisions would bother me. But I don’t work like that. I am, by nature, an anxious person when it comes to making long-term decisions. I was raised to think logically, methodically and try to keep my emotions out of it. Those are good things – they can make a person a good decision maker. But they can also encumber you when you try to act on faith. Because faith is NOT often logical, or methodical and it is certainly not without emotion. This morning, I am reminded of the scripture, “Faith without works is dead.” There are many ways you could interpret that, but in my own life, I see it like this and I’ve posted about it before: You can have an active or passive faith. You can wait for things to happen and say you believe, or you can move forward with the tools God has given you and believe. There’s a world of difference between passively trusting God and actively believing that He holds you in the palm of His hand.
I fell back asleep and when I awoke, I had an email devotion that reminded me, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me’ (2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV).“
All of my doubts, my insecurities – they have come to the surface, just like they have in the past. And just like in the past, I am laying them down and trusting in my Power Source today.