I’m not even going to lie. I write this blog as honestly as I can, and as a way to journal my own thoughts and feelings. So I’m not going to lie.
The last several months, for me, have been hard. I’m blessed beyond measure compared to so many. It’s a shameful thing for me to admit when I have it so good in so many ways. However, I promised to be honest. So I will be honest.
Personally, professionally. Not in a way that anyone would really notice from the exterior, but internally…..things have just been really, really difficult.
And instead of feeling like God is strong and has plans to “prosper and not to harm” me and “everything happens for a reason” and “God’s timing is best” and all of the things people say and even scriptures that they quote – I’m just feeling very, very abandoned in my faith. It’s one of the darkest times I’ve had spiritually in a long time.
I believe, from both past experience and from the tiny sliver of faith that I’m currently clinging to, that this is not a place that my mind and heart will take up permanent residence, but that doesn’t make the right now part any easier. And it’s Lent. Which feels a little…..heavy….anyway.
So this morning, I’m rushing around, yelling at my kid, driving too fast and still barely sliding into my pew before the first prayer and honestly feeling that the last place I should be is anywhere that’s sacred. Or telling people, “God’s peace be with you” when I don’t even feel it in my own heart.
But our readings today…all of them…hit a nerve. Abraham….the pillar of faith…Peter…..learning about the ugly side of discipleship that would be his master’s death….and his own, eventually.
Sometimes it’s hard to see the thread of some singular truth running through the lessons from old testament to Gospel. But today, for me, it wasnt. And it’s why I couldn’t help the tears that spilled from my eyes by the end of the sermon. Because once again, as so many countless times before, God has met me where I am – broken, angry, hurting, doubting, teetering on complete hopelessness – and given me a little more footing to stand on. Yes, discipleship is hard. Sometimes it’s hard in ways you never expect. And sometimes you have to wait, like Abraham. You have to wait and wait and wait and take blind step after blind step after blind step. But as I continue to feel my way down a path that currently has no lighting, I hold fast to that shred of faith, and stop trying so desperately to cling to my own understanding.
God never said it would be easy. This life of faith. He only promised it would be worth the cost of discipleship.