I’ve been living with chronic pain and fatigue for several years. I’ve been to doctors, tried different eating plans, exercise, supplements, and medication to improve my quality of life to no avail.

Last July, while in tears for about the umpteenth time in a doctor’s office, my doctor said, “I want to do a laproscopy and check for endometriosis.”

So, she did. And there it was in all it’s progressed glory.

What followed were 6 months of hormone inhibiting injections to try and give me some relief whilst I finished my unsuccessful bid for public office and then 5 and a half months of more discomfort, utter exhaustion from fatigue, and a nasty return of the majority of my symptoms.

After months of discussion with my husband, and at the advice of my doctor, I will be having a total hysterectomy in about 10 weeks.

I’m 33 years old. I will never again know what it feels like to feel an unborn child kicking my ribs, hear it’s heartbeat on a dopplar, or feel the giddiness of a positive pregnancy test. My husband, who has no biological children of his own, will never have that experience with me. My daughter will never know what it’s like to have a baby brother or sister on her mama’s side.

So why am I posting this? Seems pretty personal, right?

Yes, it is. Extremely personal. But I read some things today that reminded me that we all need to see each other’s brokeness from time to time because we all need to know that, “Hey – they have problems too. Their life didn’t turn out how they expected, either. They aren’t as put together as they seem.”

As a Christian, I want my brokeness to show others where my strength comes from. I have said over and over that I want to live a life of transparancy and authenticity because, to me, that is the only way TO live the abundant life that Jesus call us into – “warts and all”, as the saying goes.

I posted this, not for your sympathy, though your prayers are appreciated. No, I posted this for many other reasons.

For instance:

Asking a person when they and their partner are going to have children is rude. So don’t do it. Even if they already have a child, they might not be able to have more or even WANT to have more. Long story short, just don’t go there. It’s not any of your business unless you are a close and trusted friend, and it’s only your business then if they allow it to be.

Don’t talk about what a burden it is to have so many kids. Don’t complain about your pregnancy. Don’t be disapponted when you have a girl instead of a boy, or vice versa. Just…..don’t. Count your blessings and remember those who would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

I post this also because:

If you’ve been in chronic pain or discomfort for years and can’t find a physician to help you, don’t give up. Doctors don’t always look beyond our symptoms to what might be the root cause of our problem. I’ve had 3 different OBGYNs in the last 10 years. I finally found one that listened and has treated me with respect from day one. Don’t give up in your search for wellness.

I could put my body, my mind, my marriage and my bank account through all kinds of things to pursue having another child. But the fact of the matter is, it’s just not the right thing. I would know it if it was. I sat in the exam room today, waiting on my dr, and heard her in the next room, listening on the dopplar for a heartbeat. I cried. My heart aches. But as much faith as it would take to pursue an in vitro conception or an adoption or any other method of expanding my family, I am also certain that it’s going to require great faith in going forward with the knowledge that my family is already complete and having peace that Almighty God sees the bigger picture and knows what He is doing even if I don’t like it or understand it.

Why did I post this?
Well, it’s part of my healing to share it, to own it. It’s to encourage you that there are good doctors out there – you just have to seek until you find them. It’s to remind you that we all have pain – so be a little kinder to the people around you. And it’s to remind you that faith is a journey, not a destination. Thank you for letting me share mine with you.

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