I know that it was only a little over 2 weeks ago that we welcomed a new year, but those two weeks have flown by.
I have been hunkered down in my cubicle at work, tending to a million different things. I’ve barely talked to anyone that didn’t stop by my desk.
At home, dinners and conversations and chores seem to be a blur in between sleep and work.
I don’t remember the last time, if ever, that my life seemed to be moving at such a swift trajectory.
The day after New Years actually felt like a long, relaxing day. But it was apparently only the winding up for this fast ball pitch that has only bounced off the bat to fly over the fence.
I’ve been trying to write more. Because writing makes me slow my brain down. I’m following some new writers also, and that gets mixed in with the blur a little bit too, but it does distract me from it for a little while.
I’m overwhelmed. Tired. Exhausted. I can barely hold myself upright as I type this, but I will fight the urge to succumb to sleep at 8:30, even though it’s the only thing I really want to do. Because I want to experience some time that isn’t rushing past me at the speed of light.
I want to talk to my husband. Not make small talk, have our normal everyday banter. Really talk.
I want to listen to my daughter tell me about her day, something she read or watched. Notice her face and the way she continues to change, to grow up a little more every day.
I want to talk to my folks or my sister more than what is becoming more of a once a week quick chat (if I’m lucky).
I just want life to slow down.
But it won’t. It doesn’t. It just keeps spinning.
I want to work on a writing project that I decided to do. I want to get more freelance work. I want to get back into my 5K training and stop eating badly and overeating because I’m stressed from the clock’s relentless pressure.
I just want to stop. To be still. And to not fall asleep only to feel like it’s already time to open my eyes and experience another day of unrelenting paperwork, phone calls, emails, and noise.
I crave the quiet. I crave serenity. Peace.
And I crave more of it than 45 minutes or an hour before I have to take a shower in the morning, or about an hour at night before I turn off my lamp and give in to the need for sleep.
I don’t know what it will take. I don’t know what it will require. I just know that I need it.
It scares me when I feel this way. I have a hard time slowing myself down, pulling back. So life generally finds a way to force it on me. With sickness usually. And I don’t want that.
I want to take some yoga, and am planning to. But I haven’t gone yet because, ironically, I’ve been too busy and too tired to go to my first class.
I’ll get there. Eventually. This wave of paperwork will eventually cease, I hope.
I’ll find my balance again. I’ll reconnect with my source of peace, and serenity.
But for now, I’m in the blur. Feeling like I’m in a time lapse video.
I’m looking for the pause button. Waiting for a still frame to catch my breath.