Adulting means decisions.
I’m pretty sure animals do everything by instinct. Humans, on the other hand, have to weigh and consider, take in information and then consciously decide.
I am convinced that it is this reality that causes me the most stress in my life.
Beyond the everyday decisions of what to wear, what to eat, how to spend my time, it is the bigger decisions, the work-related decisions, the life-altering decisions for myself and my daughter that make me weary.
I just looked at this blog and realized I hadn’t posted since Tuesday. I’ve written for both my jobs. I’ve composed emails and messages. I’ve even written an inspirational note for a friend that I read at their wedding yesterday.
I’ve been writing, but not writing.
I had a very good and meaningful meeting with my artistic mentor this week. I’m planning a writing project that may take me a decade to complete. We brainstormed, imagined, talked. We shared some deeply personal stuff and cried, laughed.
The next day, I had a meeting with my priest. It turned into a therapy session of sorts for me.
I had a very serious and difficult conversation with my daughter yesterday. But one we needed to have.
All of these events and the decisions to even go some of the places those conversations went have taken their toll on me.
I went to bed last night with a stiff and aching neck. I’m not entirely sure why, but I think it’s probably stress. And as much as I need to work today on my side gig, I’m not going to.
I’ll pay for it all week with late nights and probably a ton of regret, but for now, I know I need this day to rest.
Maybe I’ll read. Maybe I’ll sleep. Maybe I’ll have a Once Upon a Time marathon with my kid. Maybe all of the above. I just know that my brain needs a rest. From the thinking. From the feeling. From the decisions.
At the beginning of the year, one of the things I planned to do was take a “me” day on a regular basis.
It didn’t have to be a spa day or a vacation or anything expensive, elaborate, or even happen somewhere other than my own back yard. But I knew that I was not giving myself some of the much needed attention that keeps me mentally sound.
For several months, I did really well. I took in some movies. I started my book club. I did some things that were and are for my own personal benefit and fulfillment.
But I have been slacking lately. And it’s catching up with me.
When I was talking to Reagan last night, she mentioned that she sees me as one who empowers others. But that I don’t seem to do that for myself nearly as often.
I told her that’s often how it works. The carpenter’s house is usually falling apart, right?
While I’ve been so busy, my own empowerment meter has started to flatline. It causes me to feel tired. Anxious and depressed sometimes too, but mostly tired.
So today is going to be a “me” day. I’m going to rest. I’m going to see what I can do (or not do) to refresh my soul.
It will start with the liturgy and end tonight when I close my eyes before starting a new and busy week.
When I stop and think about the decisions I make on a daily basis, sometimes it astounds me that I am allowed to be an adult. Day in, day out, one after another, these decisions deplete my energy and my brainpower.
So today I’m just making one: to not make any more. Not today. Just this one day. Just rest. Just breathe. Just be.
It’s the hardest yet most important decision I can make today.