I feel like I have been in perpetual motion for the last 3 months and, really, I kinda have.
And mostly it’s my own fault.
Reagan has told me for the last several weeks that I do too much. In some respects, I know what she means and I absolutely feel that way at times. She told me that, with my responsibilities at church, it’s like I have 3 jobs. The bank job. The writing job. The church job.
But there’s the wife job. The mother job. The friend job. The daughter job. The sister job. The aunt job.
And they aren’t all “jobs”. In fact, they’re really “roles”. And I have been sucking at most of them lately in order to devote my best brainpower to what needs it at the time.
And it’s a constant shift in my brain.
I get up and I’m in my mom role. I stumble to the kitchen, inhale a couple of cups of coffee, get ready for work and wake the kid up and drive her to school.
Then I’m in banker mode. And I am in that mode for at least 8 hours, but usually more.
Sometimes, throughout the day, I also go back into wife or mom mode, or daughter, sister, or friend mode. But during the day, I am mostly in work mode.
Then I drive home. Go back into domestic mode and feed my family. Then, a lot of nights, I’m go into my writer role for a while.
On the weekends, I try to cover all the roles that I skimped on during the week. Usually I come up pathetically short of anything resembling justice.
And before I know it, it’s Monday again and time to start all over.
Never mind the fact that I do try to socially engage with other people, have non-work-related conversations with them, attempt to keep up a personal blog, and stay semi-current-events-informed all while recognizing the fact that I need to be exercising and not eating 80% of what I consume because of convenience sake.
So yesterday, on a whim, I looked at my calendar and saw that I had a brief window of time where I had no meetings on my calendar, no court dates, no appointments. My child is with her dad for a couple of weeks now that school is out for the summer. So what did I do?
I filled out a vacation day form, took it to my boss and said, “Hey, Imma need you to sign this so I can take Friday and Monday off. Because if I don’t, Imma probably lose my mind.”
I didn’t even finish what I was saying before he snatched it out of my hand and autographed it.
He knows the toll that this type of work takes on a person. Namely…me.
I’m learning a new position while training someone else to help with some of my old duties, have moved locations and I am, frankly, hella tired.
So I decided to rest.
Now, rest is a relative term I suppose. And I’m way behind on my blog writing job. So I’ll be working even though I’m on vacation. But at least I can do it in my pajamas and at least I can just avoid people for most of the next 96+ hours that I don’t have to be in my full time work role.
My introvert spirit is suffocating. She needs ALONE time. She’s practically screeching in agony. So I’m finally giving her a break. A much-needed, overdue break. From the phone. From the emails. From all the roles except one or two at a time and only the ones that I really feel it important and necessary to take on. Would that I could just put all of those roles on a shelf for just a little while, and I might, for an hour or two. But I’ll probably be sleeping when I do so that doesn’t count.
I know when I need to do this, but I just haven’t been where I could until this week. But I really pushed it. Too far.
Earlier this week, I felt a hard-hitting bout of depression coming on me. Know how I know? I wanted to sleep. That’s all. That is it. Period. All that I wanted to do. To be quite honest, if I could get away with it without losing my blogging gig, I’d sleep the majority of the day tomorrow. That’s how mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted I am.
I. Am. Wiped. Out.
I know better than to wait this long for a break. But I did it anyway. I’m going to do my best to not let it happen again.
Yeah, so, that’s why my top 10 Tuesdays haven’t been happening, why my blogging is sporadic and disjointed, and overall pretty suckish. I’m not even proofreading this because, well, because I’m tired and if you can’t deal with my typos after reading this post, I suggest you try living in my head for a week or two and then you can see how good your grammar and punctuation are.
But y’all, I’m okay. I’m gonna be fine. And I’m gonna write better and get back on track. Life’s just been crazy. Thanks for sticking with me.