You thought I forgot about this week’s top 10, didn’t you?
Well, honestly, I did. Completely. My world has been a sea of bank-related madness for about the last 2-3 weeks. And I never forget about top 10 Tuesday, but I really did. When Reagan mentioned it, my first thought was, “When was Tuesday?” Because it’s been Monday. All week.
Because I forgot, because it bums me out that I forgot, and because I’m in foul humor anyway, I’m going to channel it into a post about what I absolutely LOATHE about living in the deep south during the summer months: you know, April – October.
In all actuality, we scathed by with scarcely a bit of real heat until this past week. It’s been downright pleasant in the evenings and mornings, but when the summer decided to show up, she arrived with an attitude.
10. The Humidity
I can tolerate heat. But when the humidity starts rising and then stays at 100%, all the time, for weeks…..I become a bit like Bruce Banner.
There is rarely a breeze, and were it not for the occasional cotton shower or the abundance of trees, I’m pretty sure the entire state of Mississippi would implode. Just merge into one hot mess of a water bubble and then burst!
9. The Bugs
Yeah, yeah. I know. The mosquitos are bigger in Texas. Whoopty doo. We have skeeters, gnats, flies, and horseflies for added fun. Bug zappers are the best invention since pockets on pants. I’m getting one this year. (I say that every year.)
8. The Crazies
Say what you want, but heat drives weird and obnoxious people from their homes in droves into public places to buy beer, or just find a store with air conditioning.
The heat exacerbates the already ignorant, and crime actually increases in the summer months. It actually drives people to insanity.
7. The Appearance
Try as I may to contain all my flesh into a respectable looking ensemble before going to work, there is no way to win the battle of dressing for the summertime if you’re…ahem…curvy. There is a need for spanx, but it’s too damn hot to wear them.
I want to wear shorts, but used to be overly self-conscious about how I looked in them. I refuse to wear sleeveless clothing without some type of cover over my arm flab. Yeah, I could work out and tone that shit up, but I’ve been working some 10 hour days and I’m doing good to not be one of the crazies on the 5 o’clock news.
I give it my best effort to look presentable at least half the day, before I’ve sweated off every bit of my Merle Norman, and call it a victory if I don’t emit an unpleasant odor by the end of the day.
And my hair? Hahahahahahaha….oh don’t even get me started.
6. The Power Bill
It’s highway robbery. Especially when cold air is a necessity for a good night’s sleep. But whatever. I’ll work a 2nd job if it means coming home to a cool house.
5. The Vacations
Everyone is taking one. Except me. Because I went to college when I was 30 so I have no money. We don’t borrow money to travel. So we staycation and thank God we have jobs that afford us at least SOME time off. Even if we’re too busy to take it.
Fresh vegetables aside, I have no desire whatsoever to cook in the summertime. It’s just too hot to turn on the stove. We eat a lot of tomato sandwiches. I’m not complaining about that in the least, but it is a pain not to feel like you’ve got other options that won’t make your kitchen feel like the bowels of hell.
The flowers that make it to this point of the year are looking like most humans feel. Verklempt. We all want to die. And pray that heaven is a pleasant 68 degrees.
I hate them so much, I felt they were worth a second mention
1. The Attitudes
Heat just seems to put everyone in more of a bad humor. I’ve had more people than usual come by my office, upset, complaining about the unfair hand life has dealt them. And, due to the heat, I’m not in the best mood myself. I display a much thicker skin and lack of sympathy simply because the sun has evaporated all of my giveadamn.
So there. That’s pretty much it. I jest….to a point. But truthfully y’all, it’s hot down here. And yes, “it’s hot enough for me.” Don’t ask me that unless you want to get punched in the throat. My crazy is starting to show, and it’s too hot to cover it up right now.